just an update
on my mental health i guess
My hair is in a high, high ponytail today, frizzy as the day is long, which is the universal sign for I’ve given up. I grew up in a household where the word ponytail described not only the actual hairstyle but the device that kept it in place as well. At some point, I consciously made the transition to saying hair tie, but I don’t remember what event caused me to make that choice. We can probably attribute it to peer pressure, honestly.
I’ve been feeling extremely frazzled and disorganized this week, despite having every single task, event, and thought I’ve ever had written down in semi-legible handwriting in my bullet journal. For years, I’ve been thinking I’m just overwhelmed right now over and over like a broken record, and I’m starting to realize maybe I’m someone who is always overwhelmed. Then I love to look at how much it looks like other people are managing to accomplish without complaining and shame myself for being overwhelmed because I only get to sit around for two hours a day.
Every morning, Siri does this sick, twisted thing where she asks me if I want to check the weather, and if I do, a little grey (in this house we use the British spelling only) checkmark descends from the top of my screen as if I’ve completed some sort of important task that I needed to get done so that my day could carry on in the proper fashion. I get that she’s trying to be helpful, but I don’t love Siri creating to-do lists for me. I make and ignore enough of those on my own. Accomplishing a task that I didn’t know was even expected of me feels a little too cog-in-the-machine-y to me.
I’m trying to figure out what kind of relationship I need to have with the notifications on my phone. I normally have notifications turned off for everything except critical forms of communication (texting, snaphat, carrier pigeons, etc) and my banks, but lately I’ve been feeling bombarded by annoying and pointless notifications, and still finding like I’m missing important things if I don’t have notifications turned on. If only there were some way to only get the notifications I want. I wish I could pre-screen them, before ever having to see them Obviously that doesn’t work because in order to pre-screen them, I would have to see them. Does anybody else struggle with this phenomenon?
I stopped meditating recently so as to indulge self-destructive tendencies or something, and so far, I feel about the same. I don’t know if the meditation actually was helping my mental health, or if I just had convinced myself that it did because it was supposed to. My only hobby is doing so many things that are supposed to help reduce my stress level that I end up becoming more stressed trying to keep track of all of my stress reduction tactics. I did also end up falling asleep during my meditation most of the time, which was great for my sleep schedule, but maybe not ideal for the development of a regular meditation practice. We meditate as part of class every Monday and Tuesday morning, and I now find myself catching my head dropping as I start to drift off to sleep at 9 am.
It is not even 5 pm and I already feel like I need a nap. I took my cat to the vet today because her separation anxiety has been getting very intense after over a year of being glued to my hip every single second of every single day. The vet is running some tests and gave her some new food that is supposed to calm her down. She said if the tests come back normal and the food doesn’t help, my cat might need to get on Prozac. The real human prescription Prozac. So naturally, I asked the veterinarian if she could hook me up with some and she looked at me like I was the seventeenth person to ask her that today, and just sighed a very long sigh. Jk I didn’t really ask her that, but I probably would have been the seventeenth person to ask today if I had. Maybe I should have.
Oh my god I almost forgot to update you lovely people on my run last week. I started out feeling better than expected (I made it one whole block before wanting to die), but then my hips started plotting my demise. What ultimately ended up happening was that we walked for about an eighth of a mile (an estimate given by someone who forgot how to perform basic addition in 2014) and called it interval training, then I spent the next two and a half days limping, unable to lift my legs or find a comfortable way to sit. We are of course running again tomorrow and will be tackling the largest flight of stairs known to the residents of the northern Milwaukee suburbs.
I’m feeling like I don’t have a ton to say today, because I have an idea for next week that I’m lowkey excited about but didn’t think of in time to do it for this week. So stay tuned, because next week is going to be a banger. Or at least one that is about one single topic, for once.
Before I delve into the poems I wrote for you but mostly for me, I wanted to share two other amazing newsletters I discovered and loved this week. The Sometimes Newsletter, written by Ella Frances Sanders is an amazing little literary hug. Ella’s way of writing is so beautiful and her words feel like a handknit sweater. The Town Cryer is written by Brooke Finegold, who my husband described as “you (me) with blue hair.” She even includes original poems in her newsletter! All in all, I’ve had a lot of reading to do this week, even though my book collection sits neglected on my shelf.
I reckon it’s time for me to share some of my own poems with you for this week.
femtech
my phone is at 2% and I can’t find the
charger for my bluetooth speaker
I cracked the screen protector on my phone again
but instead of taking it off
I continue to cut my thumb every time I scroll
yesterday I started my period a week early
what even is womanhood? at least I know I’m not pregnant
I had a dream that someone from HR thought
I had a miscarriage and a Yale degree
I woke up feeling like a disappointment
please don’t call here again
I thought I hated my last job but every time I threatened suicide
everyone laughed and I miss that
sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone
the Counting Crows are making music again
like it’s 1992 and I haven’t been born
the good ol’ days when a house cost one dollar
the Wikipedia picture for 1992 is Bill Clinton
it’s Monica Lewinsky’s birthday today
bodily fluids
I have diarrhea and don’t know what day it is
my cat won’t stop peeing on my furniture when I leave
sometimes I think I taught her how to be anxious
leading by example vibes
today I drove past my high school while listening to Lorde
like it was 2012 and I had just learned to drive
I felt nostalgic for one single second
before I slid on my sunnies and I sped out of town
nostalgia seems to be the only thing I can feel these days
one day I’ll write a poem about why I can’t go home
but for now I guess I should eat something
And that brings us to our last segment, Things I Took Photos of This Week. If you for some reason enjoyed this and have not already signed up to get these newsletters delivered to your inbox on a weekly basis (for free - I know my worth), there’s a button down below for just that purpose.
I hope you enjoyed another pointless edition of Essays No One Asked for, but if you didn’t, please don’t tell me because I will cry. Here’s that button I was telling you about, plus a couple more. Yeet, dudes.